I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Randomize
