if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
Randomize
