I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
