who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
It's rum buckets o'clock
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
