We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
Randomize
