so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Randomize
