Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
is it bad that i kinda- ok, reallyyy don't remember having sex with him last night?
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
Randomize
