I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
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