dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Randomize
