I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
