Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
