the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
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