I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living
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This is sufficient.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
