just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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