He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
Randomize
