I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
