My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
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