my shit smells like andre
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
Randomize
