just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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