just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Randomize
