I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
