My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
