I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Randomize
