i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
