I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
