2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
