I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
You are a genius and a whore.
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