There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
