so craigslist just dropped their "erotic services" ads. there goes our livelyhood
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
