Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
No, computers are like whores. moody bitches that cost too much and no matter how much protection you have you can still get a virus
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
Randomize
