Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
Apparently, there is a horrible ghonorrea out break at our school. Woo! What a way for Loyola to welcome us back.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Randomize
