i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
i am fully taking advantage of taking advantage of him
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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