the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Randomize
