The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
He's a collector of sorts
Any cool stuff?
You should see the collection of booggers in the carpet next to his desk
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
ya figured it'd be nice to explore the mythical world of sober sex i've heard so much about
i've often wondered how it works
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
