I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
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