I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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