I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
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