Heybabeimwearingurpanties
Theres this fat girl in desperate need of the proactive factory in my class and as i watch her shovel food in her face I am struggling to not only keep down my meager lunch but also to stay straight. Eliza Dushku couldnt even get my flacid dick to move
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
Are my feet made of real feet?
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
Randomize
