I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
Don't tell me you're on acid again
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
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