6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
