Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
