Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
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