woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Randomize
