Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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