He asked to "fluff my boner.."
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
Randomize
