At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
This house was built for laser tag.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
Randomize
