I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
