High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
If I had your ass I would rule the world
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
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