Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
Randomize
