i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
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