I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
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