nut hugger
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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