If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
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